The other 16 weeks and beyond -Part 1

When I left off I was 20 weeks along and all was well. I went off work early….. August 2 was my last shift worked and August 18 was when I was officially off on sick leave. It was just getting so hard to drive into Toronto every day, especially getting up at 5 am. I just couldn’t do it anymore. At that point I had multiple appointments every week anyways so being pregnant became my “job”. I pretty much sucked at it but that’s besides the point! 

We did our 3D ultra sound on August 25

So cute 

And on August 27 we had the most amazing baby shower. It was just adorable…. Thanks to my Mom and Bestest Friend Kelly!!! Just above and beyond anything we could have even thought of! 

Wow…. Just wow

September was gone before. I knew it but October crawled !!!! I was SO sore and uncomfortable it was insane. Going to the Chriopractor 3x a week just to function. Baby B (Boy) was breach I my right side rib cage and shit did it hurt!!!! Baby A (girl) was head down and my bigger baby…. They one we wernt “worried about”. 

Baby boy was being watched very close due to his small size  my O’BRIAN decided we should deliver at 37 weeks exactly, that would have been November 7th. On November 1st I went for my weekly appointment and told my Doctor in had a feeling and could we deliver earlier. She said “I trust a mom’s gut feeling ” and we were scheduled for a C-section on November 3 at 830 am. At this point Baby boy was diagnosed as Severe IUGR and they were worried the stress of labor would be too much for him , that’s why the C-section was scheduled.

We were so excited like.  I rushed around the rest of the day Tuesday and all day Wednesday  (as fast as my gigantic ass could go) and finished the few things that were left to do. By the time we went to bed Wednesday night I was pretty happy with everything.  The entire house was organized and clean. Every drawer, closet a day cupboard was cleaned out and purged . All the baby stuff put together and ready for the little ones. Thinking that baby boy was going to need some nicu time (OB  said he would due to size) we pack3d for 5-7 days because there was no way I was coming home without one of them ! I had previously arranged the suite rooms for after birth, an extra expense above what insurance pays but worth it for the comfort.  It had a double bed so Shane could sleep there and a nice stone walk in shower . 

The cleaning lady was coming while we were gone so we would come home to a spotless house. I thought i was soooo smart. 

My mom and step dad came up the night before as well to stay over. Shane and I headed to the hospital for 530 am, 3 hours pre surgery and was prepped. Everything seamed by the book. Both baby’s heartbeat were stable and my I’ve was in. All seamed well. But I couldn’t get rid of this feeling that something wasn’t right and I started to cry as I entered the OR. I chalked it up to nerves and hopped up on the table (with the assistance of a step stool and 2 nurses!) . The epidural was administered and Shane was brought in. 

Everything after this point is a total blur and the next 2 weeks are a total blur! Baby A -girl was born at 845am and one minute laster Baby B-Boy was here. Both came out screaming and I couldn’t wait to hold them. 

I watched, from the corner of my eye, as they cleaned and weighed my little gitlrl. It distracted my from the pushing on my stomach to get Baby boy pit.  I saw them take the Cpap face mask and give her oxygen. The nurse said it was normal and she seamed to be having trouble transitioning. But I knew it wasn’t OK……Baby boy was brought over and shown to me while I was being stitched up. Baby girl was whisked away before I could even see her and I just felt powerless. And scared….so scared. What was happening ? Why was it happening? Where were they taking her? Why can’t I see her? 

At this point I still couldn’t even move my legs and I was so messed up from the epidural. I was taken to recovery and given my Baby boy. He was perfect and passed all his tests….besides being 4lb12oz there was nothing to be concerned about. 

What felt like forever passed and no one was telling us anything. My anxiety was building and by noon I was panicked. Finally we were told Baby girl had some issues and they were running tests. What tests? Why? What’s happening? 

This is such a long emotional story for me……I don’t know how much of it I am ready to write but I want to share the short version of what we know now.

Baby Girl was born at 6lb8oz and with no warning and still with no explanation, she had a heart attack at birth.

What the fuck……

Seriously there are no other words.

She was taken from McMaster University Hospital to Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto when she was only hours old and hooked up to ECMO ( life support/Heart and Lung machine) and she remained on that for 5 days. We didn’t know if she would make it for those first few days, or what had even really happened. 

All we did know was that she was a fighter….a warrior…..a true super hero.

Nora Daye 6 lb 8 oz

Koa Grey 4 lb 12 oz

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We are cleared for takeoff!

Just a quick update:

So after a couple months of set backs we are finally a go for our FET! Feels like that took forever!

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True

If there is one thing fertility treatments will teach you it is patience……..Patience and how to be a lunatic…….

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Splainin’ Part 3

I am sorry to leave off my last post where I did……

Sooooo……After the positive HPT…….

I almost passed out…..WTF WTF WTF……..How did this happen??

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Well I know HOW it happened, I just couldn’t believe that some how it did!

It was 7pm at night….too late to call the clinic…..I went downstairs and told Shane…..Best moment of my life…..The look of pure joy and love on his face was priceless…..he kept saying “are you sure?” “is this real?” We didn’t sleep much that night and I was up at 6am to drive to the clinic to get blood work done!

Later that day my Beta test came back at 948! It was a bit surreal…..I was still spotting but my Nurse said don’t worry about it unless it is a lot of bright red……I was told to come back in a few days for another Beta.

We were just through the roof, but still afraid to believe it……

My 2nd Beta came back at 400……We were told this wasn’t a viable pregnancy…..

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Our joy was gone as fast as it came…..

And I thought the failed transfer felt bad….this was knock the wind out of you crushing…….2 days before Christmas. So now we had to wait for my HCG numbers to drop to zero before we could transfer again…..

I made a appointment with my RE and tried to stop crying……My numbers took a couple weeks to hit zero and I spotted for three weeks…..We are just waiting for AF to start this next cycle….hoping for some good news soon…..we could use it.

Splainin’ Part 2

Our egg retrieval went great and at the end of the 5 days we had 6 Blasts heading to the freezer (Our clinic only does Frozen transfers).

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On October 29 we started our Frozen Transfer Cycle. I have been doing acupuncture since the retrieval cycle and continued this….I had also felt well enough  to get back to the gym and to running. We had a unusually warm November and I was chomping at the bit to get out there!

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About 10 days into the cycle there were some concerns with my lining being a bit thin (never had this issue before, probably due to all the meds the past couple months) either way I was told NO more running. Fuck.

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I was on a medicated cycle (to stop ovulation), and we were scheduled for transfer November 18! We were so excited….Shane was pretty pumped to be able to come in the room to watch the Transfer……

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Transfer went well….We transferred one 4AA Blastocyst.

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Our lil frozen Blast

 

I was off work for the whole cycle, so I took it easy for the most part. I did host HK’s Baby Shower 4 days after the Transfer but that was pretty low key……

The days before the blood test (7DP5PT) I took a HPT……Negative

SOB

I held out hope that maybe, just maybe, it was wrong…..But I knew it wasn’t. I was home alone that day….it was a pretty emotional day….lots of tears…..I just didn’t have it in me to tell Shane yet……Let him have one more night of hope. The next morning the blood work confirmed the HPT……..Devastated.

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We grieved but had only a couple days to make a decision…..we decided to transfer again right away……This time we opted for a natural cycle and the Doctor was fine with it since I have such a regular cycle. I kept up with the Acupuncture and also added Bioptron Light Therapy…..I also decided to work up until a day before transfer this time to keep me busy and give some normalcy to my life……..

I felt AMAZING! No medications and light workouts I felt more like myself….I knew this one was going to work…I felt it in my soul. I went for blood work and ultrasound on day 11 of my cycle (I was working on day 10 so they said no big deal to come on day 11) I went in and they confirmed lining was over 8 and triple striped and I had a mature follicle……Transfer was scheduled for December 14…..This was going to be the best Christmas! After leaving my day 11 appointment I made a few stops to pick up some Christmas stuff, and while in the store I received a call from the clinic….They were cancelling my transfer…..WTF….How? Why?

My blood work confirmed that I already ovulated and they don’t know when and I needed to be on some medications 5 days prior to the FET……My clinic knows I ovulate early on my own and never should have waited to screen me until day 11…..I broke down….completely…..Why is this happening?

Shane is my rock….even though I knew he was hurting he made sure I was ok……Such an amazing man.

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Plus he ain’t bad to look at!

Life goes on and we started to plan for the next cycle….I needed to speak with my Doctor to see what happened and to make sure this doesn’t happen again……About a week or so after the cancelled FET I started spotting a bit…..weird because I never mid cycle spot……After 2 days of it I was a bit concerned so I took a HPT to rule that out…..I got home from work….POAS and jumped in the shower….expecting it to be negative when I got out of the shower…….I got out and glanced down and saw 2 solid pink lines…..

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Lucy you have some splainin’ to do…….Part 1

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I know, I know…….

This is a post I wasn’t sure I was going to write…..but now I feel I am ready to…..

You may have noticed (but probably not) that my post’s have severely decreased in the past couple months…

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For the past 2 years we have been doing fertility treatments…..we have not hid this from our friends and family…….and I am glad…..we have needed the emotional support and I couldn’t have don’t the last two years with out these important people…….But it is not common knowledge to everyone we know…..

I am not ashamed or hiding it I just don’t think it is everyone’s business….Mostly I just can’t handle all the “advice” people have when they hear you are having trouble conceiving…….

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Everyone is different and just because it worked for your sisters, cousins, best friend…..doesn’t mean it will work for someone else……

So in the last two years…..

Shane has last 35 pounds, taken a handful of vitamins every single day and does every single crazy thing I have asked him to do……He lets me cry on his shoulder without making me think I am being dramatic…….He has been my rock….100%…..It has been hard on him as well but he has been so strong.

Before this process I was one of those “I hate needle people” but now I have been poked and prodded more then I can even explain…..Done every test under the sun……taken enough vitamins and supplements on a daily basis to choke a horse……Taken fertility drugs that make me hormonal, gain weight and in some cases bedridden…..Had more internal ultrasounds then I can count….Cried more then I have in the last 20 years combined……

At the end of all this we are told “unexplained infertility”

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Ummm….what????

I did one round of IUI with Clomid 

2 rounds of IUI with Puregon (A nightly needle Shane had to give me)

-Both failed…..Great

In October , right after the National Peace Officer Memorial Run, was finished we started our first round of IVF

And this folks is where

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This process has been the single most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. You question every decision you have made in your life….You question God, the Universe and Karma…….What did I do wrong, Am I a bad person, Why do I fucking deserve this????

Maybe I am not strong enough to keep going…….

But I have to try…….

During the egg extraction cycle I had to learn to give myself the needles…..there were 3 needles a day and they were timed so I couldn’t guarantee that Shane would always be home to do them……I did it….the first time I thought I was going to throw up…..but I didn’t!

I started Acupuncture during the cycle and thank god I did….it was the only thing that helped. I was in so much pain after 12 days of stimulation I looked 4 months pregnant. I guess that’s what happens when you ovaries go from the size of a walnut to the size of an orange. I wasn’t allowed to work or exercise. Because of the overstimulation of the ovaries there is a risk with heavy physical activity,  I could end up with a twisted ovary and that is very dangerous……I had to pee every 20 minutes and just felt terrible.

On October 20th we headed to the clinic for surgery aiming for 10-15 mature follicles.

  • 17 follicles were retrieved
  • 13 were mature
  • 11 fertilized with ICSI

We decided that a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) was the best so I could recover from the retrieval and make sure I did have OHSS……I was sore, swollen and 10 pounds heavier….

But on day 5 it was all worth it…every single tear, needle, pound and appointment…… and we were beyond happy with some good news for a change……We were told we had 6 Day 5 Blastocyst’s to freeze. All great quality!

Transfer was loosely scheduled for the third week of November and cycle monitoring began again on October 29…….

TBC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m no fun and a Baby Shower Tea Party

Since my last post a lot has happened but nothing has happened ….if that makes any sense…….

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Just stay with me here…ok

The weather has been unbelievable and I was running outside everyday at the first of the month!

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Totally was! Then it all came to a screeching halt! I went for a beautiful Saturday morning run (Pictured here of course)

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After this run I headed to a specialist appointment (yes on a weekend) and was told NO more running! Or working out at all for that matter…….For the next 4 weeks! Minimum…..So not working and no working out for the whole month……WTF and I supposed to do all day now????

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Seriously? If one more SOB says this to me I swear………

I have been keeping busy around the house…..organising, cleaning and setting up some Christmas stuff……

KFG and I have also been working on our  good friend HK’s baby shower since early October. Sunday was the big day! We had rented out a Café called The Hawthorne Café…..this adorable little spot in Milton Ontario. The owners Matt ands Carrie are just fantastic, accommodating wonderful people! The really made this a zero stress event for KFG and Me…..I was actually able to enjoy the shower and visit with everyone!

We decided on an old fashioned tea party as the theme so we dusted off the old school tea cups and my moms homemade vintage platters…….

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Some of the tea cups we brought…aren’t they pretty!

 

The Café did a few platters of Panini’s for us which was great! I made three different kind of tea sandwiches and some Vanilla bean scones and Strawberry spread, and one of HK’s friends brought some Wontons and Dip and Caprese skewers……..

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We ended up with close to 35 ladies so it was definitely a full house!

HK had a great time and was in her glory!

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It was great having this event at a Café….it gets rid of most of the prep/cleanup and the décor was so adorable we didn’t even have to decorate….I would do it again in a heartbeat!

Baby HK is due in February!

15K……It’s so friggin hot out

I wasn’t sure what to do for these last few runs (Thursday, Friday and Sunday)….The NPOMR is only 1 week away!

I was going to  a 17K, and 2 10K’s…then I thought maybe a 20K a 5K and a 10K….I ended up deciding on 2 15K’S and a 10K on Sunday…….

What-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about-gifJust pay attention….it isn’t that difficult!

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