They tell you not to POAS….But seriously……
3DP5DT I POAS and nada….
They tell you not to POAS….But seriously……
3DP5DT I POAS and nada….
Yeah, yeah….I’m fine
It’s been a long effin week……..A good week…..but a long ass week!
We transferred 2 of our Embryos March 12 around 10am
Just a quick update:
So after a couple months of set backs we are finally a go for our FET! Feels like that took forever!
If there is one thing fertility treatments will teach you it is patience……..Patience and how to be a lunatic…….
I am sorry to leave off my last post where I did……
Sooooo……After the positive HPT…….
I almost passed out…..WTF WTF WTF……..How did this happen??
Well I know HOW it happened, I just couldn’t believe that some how it did!
It was 7pm at night….too late to call the clinic…..I went downstairs and told Shane…..Best moment of my life…..The look of pure joy and love on his face was priceless…..he kept saying “are you sure?” “is this real?” We didn’t sleep much that night and I was up at 6am to drive to the clinic to get blood work done!
Later that day my Beta test came back at 948! It was a bit surreal…..I was still spotting but my Nurse said don’t worry about it unless it is a lot of bright red……I was told to come back in a few days for another Beta.
We were just through the roof, but still afraid to believe it……
My 2nd Beta came back at 400……We were told this wasn’t a viable pregnancy…..
Our joy was gone as fast as it came…..
And I thought the failed transfer felt bad….this was knock the wind out of you crushing…….2 days before Christmas. So now we had to wait for my HCG numbers to drop to zero before we could transfer again…..
I made a appointment with my RE and tried to stop crying……My numbers took a couple weeks to hit zero and I spotted for three weeks…..We are just waiting for AF to start this next cycle….hoping for some good news soon…..we could use it.
Our egg retrieval went great and at the end of the 5 days we had 6 Blasts heading to the freezer (Our clinic only does Frozen transfers).
On October 29 we started our Frozen Transfer Cycle. I have been doing acupuncture since the retrieval cycle and continued this….I had also felt well enough to get back to the gym and to running. We had a unusually warm November and I was chomping at the bit to get out there!
About 10 days into the cycle there were some concerns with my lining being a bit thin (never had this issue before, probably due to all the meds the past couple months) either way I was told NO more running. Fuck.
I was on a medicated cycle (to stop ovulation), and we were scheduled for transfer November 18! We were so excited….Shane was pretty pumped to be able to come in the room to watch the Transfer……
Transfer went well….We transferred one 4AA Blastocyst.
I was off work for the whole cycle, so I took it easy for the most part. I did host HK’s Baby Shower 4 days after the Transfer but that was pretty low key……
The days before the blood test (7DP5PT) I took a HPT……Negative
I held out hope that maybe, just maybe, it was wrong…..But I knew it wasn’t. I was home alone that day….it was a pretty emotional day….lots of tears…..I just didn’t have it in me to tell Shane yet……Let him have one more night of hope. The next morning the blood work confirmed the HPT……..Devastated.
We grieved but had only a couple days to make a decision…..we decided to transfer again right away……This time we opted for a natural cycle and the Doctor was fine with it since I have such a regular cycle. I kept up with the Acupuncture and also added Bioptron Light Therapy…..I also decided to work up until a day before transfer this time to keep me busy and give some normalcy to my life……..
I felt AMAZING! No medications and light workouts I felt more like myself….I knew this one was going to work…I felt it in my soul. I went for blood work and ultrasound on day 11 of my cycle (I was working on day 10 so they said no big deal to come on day 11) I went in and they confirmed lining was over 8 and triple striped and I had a mature follicle……Transfer was scheduled for December 14…..This was going to be the best Christmas! After leaving my day 11 appointment I made a few stops to pick up some Christmas stuff, and while in the store I received a call from the clinic….They were cancelling my transfer…..WTF….How? Why?
My blood work confirmed that I already ovulated and they don’t know when and I needed to be on some medications 5 days prior to the FET……My clinic knows I ovulate early on my own and never should have waited to screen me until day 11…..I broke down….completely…..Why is this happening?
Shane is my rock….even though I knew he was hurting he made sure I was ok……Such an amazing man.
Plus he ain’t bad to look at!
Life goes on and we started to plan for the next cycle….I needed to speak with my Doctor to see what happened and to make sure this doesn’t happen again……About a week or so after the cancelled FET I started spotting a bit…..weird because I never mid cycle spot……After 2 days of it I was a bit concerned so I took a HPT to rule that out…..I got home from work….POAS and jumped in the shower….expecting it to be negative when I got out of the shower…….I got out and glanced down and saw 2 solid pink lines…..
I know, I know…….
This is a post I wasn’t sure I was going to write…..but now I feel I am ready to…..
You may have noticed (but probably not) that my post’s have severely decreased in the past couple months…
For the past 2 years we have been doing fertility treatments…..we have not hid this from our friends and family…….and I am glad…..we have needed the emotional support and I couldn’t have don’t the last two years with out these important people…….But it is not common knowledge to everyone we know…..
I am not ashamed or hiding it I just don’t think it is everyone’s business….Mostly I just can’t handle all the “advice” people have when they hear you are having trouble conceiving…….
Everyone is different and just because it worked for your sisters, cousins, best friend…..doesn’t mean it will work for someone else……
So in the last two years…..
Shane has last 35 pounds, taken a handful of vitamins every single day and does every single crazy thing I have asked him to do……He lets me cry on his shoulder without making me think I am being dramatic…….He has been my rock….100%…..It has been hard on him as well but he has been so strong.
Before this process I was one of those “I hate needle people” but now I have been poked and prodded more then I can even explain…..Done every test under the sun……taken enough vitamins and supplements on a daily basis to choke a horse……Taken fertility drugs that make me hormonal, gain weight and in some cases bedridden…..Had more internal ultrasounds then I can count….Cried more then I have in the last 20 years combined……
At the end of all this we are told “unexplained infertility”
2 rounds of IUI with Puregon (A nightly needle Shane had to give me)
In October , right after the National Peace Officer Memorial Run, was finished we started our first round of IVF
And this folks is where
This process has been the single most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life. You question every decision you have made in your life….You question God, the Universe and Karma…….What did I do wrong, Am I a bad person, Why do I fucking deserve this????
Maybe I am not strong enough to keep going…….
But I have to try…….
During the egg extraction cycle I had to learn to give myself the needles…..there were 3 needles a day and they were timed so I couldn’t guarantee that Shane would always be home to do them……I did it….the first time I thought I was going to throw up…..but I didn’t!
I started Acupuncture during the cycle and thank god I did….it was the only thing that helped. I was in so much pain after 12 days of stimulation I looked 4 months pregnant. I guess that’s what happens when you ovaries go from the size of a walnut to the size of an orange. I wasn’t allowed to work or exercise. Because of the overstimulation of the ovaries there is a risk with heavy physical activity, I could end up with a twisted ovary and that is very dangerous……I had to pee every 20 minutes and just felt terrible.
On October 20th we headed to the clinic for surgery aiming for 10-15 mature follicles.
But on day 5 it was all worth it…every single tear, needle, pound and appointment…… and we were beyond happy with some good news for a change……We were told we had 6 Day 5 Blastocyst’s to freeze. All great quality!
Transfer was loosely scheduled for the third week of November and cycle monitoring began again on October 29…….
Since my last post a lot has happened but nothing has happened ….if that makes any sense…….
Just stay with me here…ok
The weather has been unbelievable and I was running outside everyday at the first of the month!
Totally was! Then it all came to a screeching halt! I went for a beautiful Saturday morning run (Pictured here of course)
After this run I headed to a specialist appointment (yes on a weekend) and was told NO more running! Or working out at all for that matter…….For the next 4 weeks! Minimum…..So not working and no working out for the whole month……WTF and I supposed to do all day now????
Seriously? If one more SOB says this to me I swear………
I have been keeping busy around the house…..organising, cleaning and setting up some Christmas stuff……
KFG and I have also been working on our good friend HK’s baby shower since early October. Sunday was the big day! We had rented out a Café called The Hawthorne Café…..this adorable little spot in Milton Ontario. The owners Matt ands Carrie are just fantastic, accommodating wonderful people! The really made this a zero stress event for KFG and Me…..I was actually able to enjoy the shower and visit with everyone!
We decided on an old fashioned tea party as the theme so we dusted off the old school tea cups and my moms homemade vintage platters…….
The Café did a few platters of Panini’s for us which was great! I made three different kind of tea sandwiches and some Vanilla bean scones and Strawberry spread, and one of HK’s friends brought some Wontons and Dip and Caprese skewers……..
We ended up with close to 35 ladies so it was definitely a full house!
HK had a great time and was in her glory!
It was great having this event at a Café….it gets rid of most of the prep/cleanup and the décor was so adorable we didn’t even have to decorate….I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Baby HK is due in February!
I wasn’t sure what to do for these last few runs (Thursday, Friday and Sunday)….The NPOMR is only 1 week away!
I was going to a 17K, and 2 10K’s…then I thought maybe a 20K a 5K and a 10K….I ended up deciding on 2 15K’S and a 10K on Sunday…….
One of Shane’s besties Omar has 2 beautiful daughters
On August 7th they finally welcomed their son
I have just updated my Before and After page, but I thought I would post it as an entry as well.
I grew up in rural Ontario. The oldest of three. I was active and although I never had a weight problem I remember being “concerned” with body image from a early age.
I remember going on my first diet at age 11. Why I have no idea, but I ate cottage cheese and raw veggie for lunch for most of grade 6. In grade 7 I became a vegetarian. This lasted until my senior year in high school.
Once I went away to college I started to pack on the weight. I had never been “fat” so I actually didn’t get how large and unhealthy I had gotten.
These are the two pictures that made me realise that I was out of control. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I saw a couple pounds shy of 200 pounds!
It was a LONG transition. It took years, and lots of trial and error. I had to educate my self on what is actually a healthy lifestyle. I started running…..very slow at first. I will never forget the first time I ran 5k without stopping! I couldn’t believe I did it.
Years later I still struggle to stay on track and focused. I love the healthy lifestyle and what running does for every part of me, mind, body and soul. But I am human. I “mess up”, go “off track”. But what’s makes me different then before is that I get back up and dust myself off and carry on! Always trying to be better then yesterday!
Sometimes I still feel like that 200 pound girl. Hell sometimes I still see her when I look in the mirror. But, just like a lot of other women, we never feel “good enough”. We as women need to be proud of our accomplishments and hard work. Especially when you know how far you have come. I need to stop looking in the rear view mirror at what used to be and look ahead……at what is to come. I am hoping this new blog will keep me focused in this new direction.